How I feel today

            Well today I left with one of my friends who is not in my group. We walked there and got a ice cream for each of us and one of her friends. But my best friend wanted to come. Well really wanted to come.So we are going to go back next Friday. It was fun to get out and away from the stress and depression. We talked and played around, she was acting like my kid and I was her mom. It was so funny. But the whole time my best friend was texting me saying that she is bored and how she wanted to come. I was sorry that I didn't ask her but I thought she wouldn't want to come. I feel like I am taking her away from her boyfriend.

             I got a Death by Chocolate shake and I don't really like sweets, it felt like I was dying. Like my kidney was going to fail right there. When I got back to the boys and girls club everyone one was talking at ones and they wanted my chocolate shake. It was very confusing and weird.

             But to day I was happy, I didn't fell as depressed. I need that freedom away from stress. But I don't know how it would be with everyone there. Well I don't have to think about it till the time comes. I kind of talked to the guy today. He asked me why did I go and why they didn't come with. Later on I told him that his girlfriend thinks that he doesn't like her that much anymore. Before, during and after that it was quiet and we didn't talk. See I should do these kind of things more often, it makes me happy and over the stress and depression.

              I also feel like I want a boyfriend. I want to be loved and cared for. I want that emotional connection. To feel wanted in the world. A boyfriend will make me forget about everything, I would get over the other guy that is not worth my pain but still. I still think that if I was gone everything would be better for everyone. No one has to worry about me and I won't be making people sad and depressed. Really I'm just a extra person to the group. I also feel like I'm taken my best friend away from her boyfriend.

              See if I had a boyfriend everything would be fine. I only want one guy to be my boyfriend, but doesn't go to this school or the high school. He goes to an alternative school, he won't be back till next year, I guess I won't have a boyfriend or be truly happy for a year. Lets just hope he goes to the boys and girls club. You would think that I would want my friends boyfriend to be my boyfriend since I like him, but no he could never be, he never could. See she liked him while I liked him, but she told me and she never new about me. Since I new that she liked him I was not allowed to like him, I tryed to and convince myself that I didn't like him, it didn' work. Also he never liked me and that's a big part of it.Even if he did liked me I could never date him because she liked him, I could never do that to my best friend. So I hide my feelings. And when ever they break up I could never date him either because she liked him than and probably still will like him. And they also dated I could never date my best friends ex boyfriend, that would be so wrong.

               Well its a mess, but none of that matter now. I just don't know how long I can take. All this stress and depression is making my eating disorder worse. I don't want to eat anything, my eating habits has change. Even though these were already going on they are getting much worse. I believe that I will end up not eating at all and die. I don't know what worst dying or living with stress, depression, heart break,fear, loneliness, none loved, not wanted in this world, none needed, waste of money,time,and space,etc.