How I feel today

               Well today I was acting depressed without me even knowing, my friends asked me what was wrong and I didn't know that I was depressed till later on. Today they were holding hands, I seen them and looked away and didn't turn back. Every time I seen them together it kills me inside. God why in hell did I have to ever like him. Fucking shit, mother fucker, god god, fucking god. Life's a bitch. Ha ha life's a pregnant female dog. At least I can laugh at myself, sometimes. I plan on going to the park with out anyone. I want to be alone and see if it really matters if I'm with them or not. I probably will get one of my friends from school, not from the group, to come with me. I can't tell her my feelings but it's someone to keep me company.

 

                O I found this awesome picture, it's so cool I love it.

 

                 Isn't it awesome. It's my new wallpaper. It's so cool. Man have I changed that much. I don't even want to get into that, it will take forever to talk about. You know I want to look emo for one day. I want to see if I would look good. But of course I won't.

 

                 O I hate my dad. He keeps asking me do you want to live in Wisconsin with me. O don't you want a horse, if you move up here I'll buy you a horse. God I can't fucking take it anymore. I'm always under pressure, stressing out and I don't want to hurt any one's feelings. Because if I say I don't want to live with him he won't get sad, he will get mad and start yelling. He's that bad, I can't take it anymore. Sometimes I think it would be better if I never had to see him or even talk to him anymore. That he just didn't have anything to do with us, like we don't exist. He left us, we are half way there. I don't even feel like talking anymore, all these feeling with my dad, her boyfriend and me missing the guy I used to like is making me angry and sick.

How I feel today

             Well it's Sunday so there isn't really nothing to say, but today he said he thinks he is falling in love with her. She texted me when she found out. She already loves him. It hurt really bad when she told me. I really don't want to hear about them anymore. I just wanted to say stop talking about you to already. It kills me inside, little by little I'm dying.

 

              Man I can really use a drink. Yup that kind of drink, wouldn't be the first. Or maybe I should just smoke some weed. I mean it's just right up stairs. If I just ask for it, I'll get it. It would help the pain and memories, would have to deal with anything during that time. I already had second hand smoking from it. No one will care, my life sucks. Soon I will get through these painful parts of life, that's if I live through it.

 

                O and I have to stop being anorexic, I hate it it's taking over my life. My mom is getting suspicious and worried. I want to eat but can't. Well really most of the time when I do want to eat I physically don't feel like eating. I'm afraid that it might go to far and i wouldn't be able to stop it. I'm also suffering from the pain, it feels like my insides are being eaten. Well I think I'm going to head out now.

How I feel today

            Well today I left with one of my friends who is not in my group. We walked there and got a ice cream for each of us and one of her friends. But my best friend wanted to come. Well really wanted to come.So we are going to go back next Friday. It was fun to get out and away from the stress and depression. We talked and played around, she was acting like my kid and I was her mom. It was so funny. But the whole time my best friend was texting me saying that she is bored and how she wanted to come. I was sorry that I didn't ask her but I thought she wouldn't want to come. I feel like I am taking her away from her boyfriend.

             I got a Death by Chocolate shake and I don't really like sweets, it felt like I was dying. Like my kidney was going to fail right there. When I got back to the boys and girls club everyone one was talking at ones and they wanted my chocolate shake. It was very confusing and weird.

             But to day I was happy, I didn't fell as depressed. I need that freedom away from stress. But I don't know how it would be with everyone there. Well I don't have to think about it till the time comes. I kind of talked to the guy today. He asked me why did I go and why they didn't come with. Later on I told him that his girlfriend thinks that he doesn't like her that much anymore. Before, during and after that it was quiet and we didn't talk. See I should do these kind of things more often, it makes me happy and over the stress and depression.

              I also feel like I want a boyfriend. I want to be loved and cared for. I want that emotional connection. To feel wanted in the world. A boyfriend will make me forget about everything, I would get over the other guy that is not worth my pain but still. I still think that if I was gone everything would be better for everyone. No one has to worry about me and I won't be making people sad and depressed. Really I'm just a extra person to the group. I also feel like I'm taken my best friend away from her boyfriend.

              See if I had a boyfriend everything would be fine. I only want one guy to be my boyfriend, but doesn't go to this school or the high school. He goes to an alternative school, he won't be back till next year, I guess I won't have a boyfriend or be truly happy for a year. Lets just hope he goes to the boys and girls club. You would think that I would want my friends boyfriend to be my boyfriend since I like him, but no he could never be, he never could. See she liked him while I liked him, but she told me and she never new about me. Since I new that she liked him I was not allowed to like him, I tryed to and convince myself that I didn't like him, it didn' work. Also he never liked me and that's a big part of it.Even if he did liked me I could never date him because she liked him, I could never do that to my best friend. So I hide my feelings. And when ever they break up I could never date him either because she liked him than and probably still will like him. And they also dated I could never date my best friends ex boyfriend, that would be so wrong.

               Well its a mess, but none of that matter now. I just don't know how long I can take. All this stress and depression is making my eating disorder worse. I don't want to eat anything, my eating habits has change. Even though these were already going on they are getting much worse. I believe that I will end up not eating at all and die. I don't know what worst dying or living with stress, depression, heart break,fear, loneliness, none loved, not wanted in this world, none needed, waste of money,time,and space,etc.

How I feel today

             Well today we went to the park and everyone came instead of just a few. I was happy with that, so that I wouldn't be alone. Well when we were there I was very depressed and I know everyone knew because everyone kept asking. I guess it was obvious because I would just walk off and hide somewhere away from everyone. I really didn't want to be there, so I just hide away so no one could see me. But sadly they eventually came looking for me. It's only because one of my friends came looking for me, if it wasn't for her they would of left me. Well the would eventually come back realizing they left me behind but it doesn't really matter, I wouldn't care anyways. I never talked to him today, not one word.

      

            I haven't really been that depressed lately since I've been typing all my feeling on here, I know no one will read this and why would they care. It's a big stress re leaser.

 

             He text me today. He thinks that I hate his guts, I don't hate him I'm just kind of irritated. I guess you can say I'm jealous, but if you do you are wrong. I'm not jealous I never have and never will. I am upset that he is going out with my best friend, and I'm sad that he never liked me but not jealous. I am happy that she is dating, but it does hurt that it's with him. I reply that I don't hate him that I'm just pissed off and depressed. He asked why, I replied its personal. After while we got off topic, but said that he thinks that he believes that while we were texting that I just wanted him to shut up. That wasn't true at all. So for now on I will try to at least say something to him so he doesn't think anything. I can't even look him in the eye. When everyone is walking and we end up kind of close, just on the same side I move away or to the other side. I guess it does seem like I hate him. Sorry.

             Tomorrow I plain to skip walking with the group and get some ice cream, walk to the park, eat and finish the ice cream and then eventually come back to the boys and girls club. My only concern is that what if they see me, the only way to go is the way the group always walk. If they see me then they are going to come with me and the hole point is to be alone, well I don't wan to be completely alone but no one in the group can come. My best friend will ask to many questions and he boyfriend will want to come with. Everyone else will be to scared to come or worry all the way there. I don't know what to do I'll do what every comes to my mind first at that moment. That could really hurt me or really help me.

             Lord Lord Lord. I just make a mess of things. This is why I don't wan to hang out with them, it would just be better if I just never see them anymore. I think I should just suck it up and be happy so no one worries and think I'm doing this for attention. See I can't do anything without something bad coming out of it. If  I leave they will think I want them to notice me see I can't stand this anymore.

How I feel today

              I feel depressed. My best friend is going out with the guy I like, Well learning not to like him now. See I new that she liked him, but before I knew I liked him also. But I hide my feelings so she wouldn't know. I knew it will kill her, even though she would never say it. I know it's true because that's what I'm doing now. Not telling how I really feel. It hurts seeing them together, that's why I can't hang out with them anymore. I don't want anything to to with him. He just thinks I hate him for some reason. Even though he is right it's not the whole truth. I would have to hide everything but I don't know how much I can hold it for. It's has only been 1 day and I am already in so much pain. Really I just want to never see any of them again. Not even my other friends. Is this what my life has ended up to. Pushing all my friends away because of this. This guy is not even worth it. But then again I don't know what to do. For now I should just hide my feelings, act happy, act happy for them, play along, don't say anything, and inside I shall die and cry.

 

              Tomorrow me we are all going to the park after school. I planned it at first before they started dating. Now I don't want to go. It will be to weird and painful for me. Thank goodness one of my other friends is coming. I can talk to her to try to avoid them. I use to talk to him all the time but now I can't even look at him. I don't wan to be close to him, see him, talk to him or even be in the same room as him. But I have to for my friend.

              For now on when they go to the buys and girls club I will go to the park all by myself. Just to avoid them and to avoid being at the boys and girls club as much as possible. I really made a mess of things, and if I tell everyone how I feel it would be even worse. I wouldn't be able to hang out with them. Even though I don't even want to, but they will properly not allow me any more. Even is they do allow me it will be really weird and awkward.


Love quotes, they all kill me

        I would wait till forever just so we could be

together. If only you weren't so blind to see,

how much you truly mean to me.

 

You always were a special friend. You knew

that, I knew that. Only I knew something

more. I knew that I loved you and I have for

so long. You complain because you can't

find the "right girl." I guess friendship

makes you go blind to see what's standing

right in front of you...

 

Just wanna be the girl you talk about-

the only one you wouldn't ride without-

to be the one who makes your heart beat

crazy--and for you to say to your boys "that's

my baby"

 
Time to go to sleep - I won't make a peep -

maybe I will dream of you - a dream I would

want to keep - I would freeze time if you

were mine - but for now I sleep - Loving

you is a secret I will keep.

 

I want to be the girl he turns to his friends and says "That's her."

 

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

My favorite depression quotes

                There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

 

I'm a daughter hiding my depression. I'm a sister making a good impression. I'm the girl sitting next to you. I'm the one asking you to care, I'm you bast friend hoping you'll be there.

 

No one is perfect that's why pencils have erasers.

 

Never talking about your feelings because the fear of anyone thinking of you as "dramatic" or an "attention" seeker haunts you

 

I push people away when all I really want is someone to hug me and tell me it's okay.

 

Sick of crying tired of trying, yes I'm smiling but inside I'm dying.

 

No one cares what I have to say

No one cares what I think

No one cares about my life

No one cares me

If no one cares if I'm there why don't I just disappear

-me

I don't care

If you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich, or poor

If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you

Simple as that

 

There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell... she's hurting inside.

 

Personal Quotes I wrote

There is a time in your life when you lose your friends and everything you love. Even though it hurts and you don't want it to happen it's part of life. You just have to suck up the pain and let life do its job

 

When two are in love, it's supposed to be death due use part. But it doesn't always work that way. They fight, cry, make up, fight, cry and then divorce papers are all you think about and it's all you see for the past year. Sad, depressed and then you and they find love. Sadly you and the old person had kids and times are hard for them. They don't understand the pain they hide from parents and the discomfort.

 

"Love" such a simple word

Some say it's a strong word like hate

But it's so easy to say

 So how can it be strong If it;s so easy to break

etc.